The Friend Zone

Oh, the friend zone. The horrible, inescapable friend zone. Once you're in it, you're doomed to a relationship of hearing about her period and the asshole she's dating at the time. If you end up in the friend zone, you're destined to make sure she feels better about her horrible day in order for her to go out with her friends and hook up with men who aren't you.

How do you know you're in the friend zone?

Here is a scenario:

You meet a girl and she's sweet, she's funny, she's smart, she's pretty, you have soooo much in common. When you look at her, you get the weird tugging feeling that one day she'll be walking down the aisle, bearing your children while you provide financially and take out garbage. You want this girl so bad you would do anything for her, and you start by being a good listener. You listen to her talk about her old asshole boyfriends that didn't respect her, so you decide to take it slow and not be threatening. You take her out for coffee/ice cream, make jokes, talk about books and movies you both have in common (mentioning that you don't *hate* chick flicks), and she laughs and seems like she's getting more interested in you. You walk/drive her home, making sure she's safe. You text her to ask her how her day is going. You think you're making all the right moves. You try to introduce her to your friends, and she has a great time, but she doesn't touch you or interact with you physically. She nervously laughs when one of your friends refers to her as your girlfriend. Then she suddenly stops hanging out with you alone. She stops flirting with you so much. She tries to make herself as unattractive as possible for you. She starts mentioning how much she's not ready for a relationship, then she tells you that she's dating this new wonderful guy who is so exciting and so interesting and makes her feel alive!!!!!

And if you ever, ever feel like telling her how you feel about her; how you've longed for her since the day you met her, she'll tell you that she loves you like a brother and that she just doesn't see you *that* way. But when this guy dumps her for someone prettier and sluttier than her, she'll be there to cry on your shoulder. She'll be there to either ask "Why can't I find a nice guy?" or "Why can't I find a guy like you?" and you'll just feel a cold, empty resentment to her layered on top of a small hope that one day some guy will treat her bad enough to make her run into your arms in a non friendly way.

It's not going to happen.

You're in the friend zone. You will never be out of the friend zone. The worst part is that men in the friend zone are no longer sexually valuable, they might as well be neutered. You are just as good as having an ugly female friend that makes us feel better about ourselves.

How to avoid the friend zone:

If you like her, make a move as soon as possible. In my experience, I've noticed that you have approximately 3 encounters to get out of the friend zone and into the pants. You have to be assertive, she has to know that you find her attractive. If you get her phone number and ask her out to dinner you have a great chance of staying out of the friend zone; if you friend request her on facebook the next day and ask her out to lunch, you're in the friend zone.

If you're afraid she's going to say no and reject you then just remember what it feels like to be "loved like a brother" as you and your "friend" bake cupcakes together.