Let me start this post out by saying that the following content is not applicable to 100% of women. I know very well that there is a large population of women who have no interest in marriage and that there is also a large population of women who get married for reasons completely different than the ones I provide. I get it, I got it, move on.
To most men, weddings seem like an extraordinary waste of time and money and they're just a big party celebrating a piece of paper. What's the point of getting married when you don't need a piece of paper to love someone forever? It's just a tax break, really and if your relationship is all about love who the hell needs an expensive, seemingly useless celebration.
Women see it a *tiny* bit differently. Let's break it down:
1. It's just a piece of paper and a tax break, yes. But it's a piece of paper signed by you saying that you're publicly okay with admitting that you want to love and cherish her for the rest of her life. In every relationship there is a question of doubt, and one of the biggest questions is "Are we meant to be?" and one of the best ways to settle that, at least for a while, is to be with a guy who wants to marry you. Marriage means forever, which helps to eliminate the question of whether you are willing to be the last guy who she's ever with (at least in theory, people tend not to go into a marriage knowing that they're going to get a divorce). Basically, you are willing to publicly declare that you want to be with her for the rest of your life which is a hell of a lot more reassuring than "we've been dating for a long time already, why wouldn't we be together for even longer?"
2. It's outrageously expensive and it doesn't make sense to spend that much money on a party, right? You know James Bond and his awesome tuxedo? Remember how he gets out of his beautiful car and walks in and orders a martini, shaken not stirred, and then seduces a beautiful woman? Isn't this like the epitome of manliness? If that doesn't work for you, think of something else equally manly. Now, if you had a chance to be like James Bond, in your tuxedo, with the car, the martini and the babe, wouldn't you go for it? One of the most idolized moments for women is the white dress, the aisle, the cake, etc. It is our epitome of womanhood. It is our special day, the happiest day of our life, and most importantly, the day that satisfies every need of our self centeredness. It's our day and we will make sure it's exactly how we want it to be, and it's our wedding so we can get away with it. Women start planning their wedding from the first moment they put a pillow case over their head and pretend to walk down a fairy princess aisle. And the planning definitely changes over the years, I personally have gone from wanting to get married in a castle (age 6) to the geekier wedding of getting married on the bridge of the enterprise (age 19) to whatever other ideas sound good at the time. We really can't help it, it was ingrained in us by society, the only thing you can do is to teach your daughters to value themselves in a relationship more than a piece of paper does.
3. You might believe that the divorce rate is high/marriages don't have a shot/the union of marriage is a joke/my parents didn't work out so I don't even want to bother with it.
Chances are that if she wants to marry you, she believes that you will be together forever. If you don't have a shot at believing the same thing, you might want to break up with her and give her the chance of finding someone who can believe that. Don't waste her time with your baggage.
4. Wondering why women still bother with the sexist tradition of being given like property to a man that is a wedding? Because some women actually want to be taken care of. They want to be a housewife and a mother and they kind of need a husband and provider for that. If you have a girlfriend like this, she will probably never change these desires, so either step up or get out.
Some women just want a man to claim them as theirs. A woman with a husband has a sort of claim over this guy, kind of a "He picked me. He chose me. He loves me. Back off." It's also an indication to other women that they are desirable enough to catch a mate.
Or maybe she just wants a commitment from you that you aren't going anywhere and you'll share your life together, as idealistic as that sounds.
I'm not even going to go into religious or arranged marriages, those are just a whole new ballgame. I will say that if you are with a girl who is waiting for marriage, don't marry her just to have sex. If you aren't personally waiting or don't want to wait, don't date her and just let her find someone who is okay and supportive with her beliefs.
If you absolutely do not want to get married, I'd recommend making that clear right up front in a new relationship and seeking out women with the same feelings. It's hard to give up a dream most women have for decades and decades, and certainly easier to find someone who doesn't have the dream at all.
Good luck!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Line of Acceptability
Women have a line of acceptability when it comes to dating. It's basically an imaginary level of things they'll put up with. If you excel and go above and beyond their wildest dreams you never have to worry about the line of acceptability, but if you fall below the line, then her interest in dating you falls as well.
Let me define what the line of acceptability really means.
Women have a set of requirements of men in order for them to be date worthy. These requirements are always different and can be anything really. There are slight differences between standards and requirements, for example, a standard is "I can't date someone who is younger than me" which starts out as a general requirement for dating her at all, and a requirement is "I can't stay with a man who has decided not to support my career" which eliminates a current partner that got past the standards.
Women have general requirements of men, whether they really know it or not. If you ask a woman what's really important to her in a relationship (not to start dating someone), she'll start to reveal some requirements. For example, most women have the requirement that you remember her birthday and get her a present, while some women will also have the requirement that you get her a present on an anniversary or valentines day. Some women will have the requirement that she gets to see you every night of the week, and some will be fine with once or twice when it's convenient for both of you. Some women will require you to spend lot's of money on her, some women don't have that requirement.
There are little things that men do that can be a requirement. Some women require a cuddler, some require public displays of affection, some women require a partner call her to ask her about her day.
Why is this important?
These requirements are what define her line. She won't date a guy that falls below her line too many times or on too great a scale. If she wants you to call her every day and you stop doing that, you'll plummet below the line. Here is a really obvious one: a majority of women do not want to date a cheater, so when you cheat, you fall below the line of acceptability.
There are really no ways to know exactly what her requirements are. Most women don't really know what their expectations are until they've been violated (i.e. most women won't talk about how much they love a guy that helps her do the dishes/buys her jewelry/opens her door/tells her he loves her everyday when a relationship is good, but they'll sure complain about it after the relationship is over). Pay attention to when a girl seems thrilled that you've done something for her, and keep in mind to do that again sometime in the future. Also, think about reciprocation: When you're polite to someone, don't you want them to be polite back? When she does something sweet for you, do something sweet right back. When she asks you something personal about you, ask the same question. She wants you to know her favorite color just as much as she wants to know yours.
I don't ever want to say this applies to every woman as there are always exceptions to rules. I feel strongly that this is a common enough behavior to give it out as advice, though, and it certainly couldn't hurt to know the next time you interact with your girlfriend.
Let me define what the line of acceptability really means.
Women have a set of requirements of men in order for them to be date worthy. These requirements are always different and can be anything really. There are slight differences between standards and requirements, for example, a standard is "I can't date someone who is younger than me" which starts out as a general requirement for dating her at all, and a requirement is "I can't stay with a man who has decided not to support my career" which eliminates a current partner that got past the standards.
Women have general requirements of men, whether they really know it or not. If you ask a woman what's really important to her in a relationship (not to start dating someone), she'll start to reveal some requirements. For example, most women have the requirement that you remember her birthday and get her a present, while some women will also have the requirement that you get her a present on an anniversary or valentines day. Some women will have the requirement that she gets to see you every night of the week, and some will be fine with once or twice when it's convenient for both of you. Some women will require you to spend lot's of money on her, some women don't have that requirement.
There are little things that men do that can be a requirement. Some women require a cuddler, some require public displays of affection, some women require a partner call her to ask her about her day.
Why is this important?
These requirements are what define her line. She won't date a guy that falls below her line too many times or on too great a scale. If she wants you to call her every day and you stop doing that, you'll plummet below the line. Here is a really obvious one: a majority of women do not want to date a cheater, so when you cheat, you fall below the line of acceptability.
There are really no ways to know exactly what her requirements are. Most women don't really know what their expectations are until they've been violated (i.e. most women won't talk about how much they love a guy that helps her do the dishes/buys her jewelry/opens her door/tells her he loves her everyday when a relationship is good, but they'll sure complain about it after the relationship is over). Pay attention to when a girl seems thrilled that you've done something for her, and keep in mind to do that again sometime in the future. Also, think about reciprocation: When you're polite to someone, don't you want them to be polite back? When she does something sweet for you, do something sweet right back. When she asks you something personal about you, ask the same question. She wants you to know her favorite color just as much as she wants to know yours.
I don't ever want to say this applies to every woman as there are always exceptions to rules. I feel strongly that this is a common enough behavior to give it out as advice, though, and it certainly couldn't hurt to know the next time you interact with your girlfriend.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Women Suck
So, I realize that I've mentioned "Just move on" several times without making a few things clear.
I understand that it hurts to be rejected, it really does. There are men out there who have been absolutely torn apart because of a woman somewhere, and that is okay. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be upset. I know that it's hard to approach women when you're afraid their going to say no, and that sometimes it's not just so easy to go up to a girl and lay things out on the table.
But before you end up scarred for life because some stupid girl played whack-a-mole with your heart and now you can't talk to women, just realize that dating women really kind of sucks.
Sure, women are pretty and we have soft skin and cute laughs, we tend to smell good and we all have boobs, which is awesome. But we're also the people that make you get out of bed in the middle of the night to get us a glass of water, even though we're perfectly capable of getting off our own asses and getting it ourselves. We turn into period zombies every 28 days. We make you celebrate pointless holidays where you treat us like princesses (Valentine's day anyone?) and we love it. I am not innocent of this, I love it when I receive flowers, even though they're expensive and just going to die in three days. It's because I kind of just suck as a female.
But we're not these magical, unique creatures that deserve to be worshiped and admired for everything we do that is feminine.
It doesn't matter how hot a girl is, just realize that somewhere, someone is sick of her shit.
And we're all pretty much the same. Sometimes we have quirks that make us stand out, but if you date enough of us, we'll all start to run together. Do you know why some men will take a girl to a romantic restaurant thinking that it was where they had their first date, only to remember that it was actually where he took his ex? It's because nearly every relationship you have will have similarities. Take most women to dinner on a date, she'll order a dish, kind of push her food around and try not to look like a pig, make polite conversation, and then smile when the check comes. You'll talk about the same things you do with every female, you'll walk her to the door, you'll have the same first kiss over and over and over again with different women.
Later, she'll put tampons in your medicine cabinet, make you pose for cheesy pictures, she'll bitch and moan about her weight even though she's skinny, she'll cry when a generic character dies in a chick flick.
Maybe not every woman will do those things, but if you've been in a few relationships, you know what I'm talking about.
Just realize that if a girl turns you down, it's just an opportunity to move onto a different (but not really different) female, who will most likely be just as good, if not better.
I understand that it hurts to be rejected, it really does. There are men out there who have been absolutely torn apart because of a woman somewhere, and that is okay. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be upset. I know that it's hard to approach women when you're afraid their going to say no, and that sometimes it's not just so easy to go up to a girl and lay things out on the table.
But before you end up scarred for life because some stupid girl played whack-a-mole with your heart and now you can't talk to women, just realize that dating women really kind of sucks.
Sure, women are pretty and we have soft skin and cute laughs, we tend to smell good and we all have boobs, which is awesome. But we're also the people that make you get out of bed in the middle of the night to get us a glass of water, even though we're perfectly capable of getting off our own asses and getting it ourselves. We turn into period zombies every 28 days. We make you celebrate pointless holidays where you treat us like princesses (Valentine's day anyone?) and we love it. I am not innocent of this, I love it when I receive flowers, even though they're expensive and just going to die in three days. It's because I kind of just suck as a female.
But we're not these magical, unique creatures that deserve to be worshiped and admired for everything we do that is feminine.
It doesn't matter how hot a girl is, just realize that somewhere, someone is sick of her shit.
And we're all pretty much the same. Sometimes we have quirks that make us stand out, but if you date enough of us, we'll all start to run together. Do you know why some men will take a girl to a romantic restaurant thinking that it was where they had their first date, only to remember that it was actually where he took his ex? It's because nearly every relationship you have will have similarities. Take most women to dinner on a date, she'll order a dish, kind of push her food around and try not to look like a pig, make polite conversation, and then smile when the check comes. You'll talk about the same things you do with every female, you'll walk her to the door, you'll have the same first kiss over and over and over again with different women.
Later, she'll put tampons in your medicine cabinet, make you pose for cheesy pictures, she'll bitch and moan about her weight even though she's skinny, she'll cry when a generic character dies in a chick flick.
Maybe not every woman will do those things, but if you've been in a few relationships, you know what I'm talking about.
Just realize that if a girl turns you down, it's just an opportunity to move onto a different (but not really different) female, who will most likely be just as good, if not better.
You had sex, now what?
You met a girl, you ended up in bed with her. You had sex and the sex is over now. It's the next day. It doesn't matter what you think about it, it matters if she wants more.
Wondering why a girl is all over you one night and then the next day doesn't want anything to do with you? Sorry, but you're not her type in bed.
Please note that I didn't say "bad in bed." I didn't suggest that you performed poorly. Women have a certain "type" when it comes to sex.
There are women who love candles and romantic music playing while you gently caress and make love to her. Some women like it a little rough, but draw the line at hair pulling. Some women love to be slapped across the face and called a whore. Some women just like to lay there like a dead animal. There are different types, and if she doesn't want to have sex with you ever again after the first time, she didn't like your performance.
There is an alternate explanation, that she just came to the realization that she's a slut and needs to stop sleeping around, but that feeling can be brought on by wrong type sex, too.
My suggestion: Make her comfortable by being confident. Make it clear that you want to pleasure her and that you're up for anything. If she's got anything to say, she might say it right then and there. If she doesn't say anything, pay attention to verbal cues like "Harder" or "slower" or if she seems to be really into a particular move you're doing. If she says "Stay there" or "Just like that" keep doing whatever you're doing. After sex, don't roll over and go to sleep, see if she's a cuddler. If she performs oral on you for ten minutes, it is NOT okay to perform oral on her for ten seconds, RECIPROCATE.
Please also realize that a lot of women are just absolutely horrible in bed, and they don't care about their own pleasure at all. They consider sex just something that they need to get past and then they can go do something else. If this is the case, it's not particularly your fault, but keep in mind that unless you manage to bring her out of her sex hating shell, the sex will always be a quiet, short and disappointing event.
Good luck, use a condom.
Wondering why a girl is all over you one night and then the next day doesn't want anything to do with you? Sorry, but you're not her type in bed.
Please note that I didn't say "bad in bed." I didn't suggest that you performed poorly. Women have a certain "type" when it comes to sex.
There are women who love candles and romantic music playing while you gently caress and make love to her. Some women like it a little rough, but draw the line at hair pulling. Some women love to be slapped across the face and called a whore. Some women just like to lay there like a dead animal. There are different types, and if she doesn't want to have sex with you ever again after the first time, she didn't like your performance.
There is an alternate explanation, that she just came to the realization that she's a slut and needs to stop sleeping around, but that feeling can be brought on by wrong type sex, too.
My suggestion: Make her comfortable by being confident. Make it clear that you want to pleasure her and that you're up for anything. If she's got anything to say, she might say it right then and there. If she doesn't say anything, pay attention to verbal cues like "Harder" or "slower" or if she seems to be really into a particular move you're doing. If she says "Stay there" or "Just like that" keep doing whatever you're doing. After sex, don't roll over and go to sleep, see if she's a cuddler. If she performs oral on you for ten minutes, it is NOT okay to perform oral on her for ten seconds, RECIPROCATE.
Please also realize that a lot of women are just absolutely horrible in bed, and they don't care about their own pleasure at all. They consider sex just something that they need to get past and then they can go do something else. If this is the case, it's not particularly your fault, but keep in mind that unless you manage to bring her out of her sex hating shell, the sex will always be a quiet, short and disappointing event.
Good luck, use a condom.
Monday, November 9, 2009
It only takes one to spoil it for everyone
Men can make some serious mistakes while dating, and it screws over every guy that wants to take a shot at the girl later.
Women are trained from a young age that men (that we are not dating) are evil men looking to hurt us. They are out to stalk and violate us, and that a protective man can be an abusive man. We carry rape whistles, tasers, pepper spray and completely inconvenience ourselves in order to prevent you creepy, horrible men from getting us. This is all pretty much despite the fact that most women are raped and abused by their boyfriends, but that's beside the point.
You men need to realize that it is easy to creep us out and bother us, and it's easy to be incredibly clingy and obsessive. It's not your fault, but this will hopefully help to know where we're coming from sometimes.
I had a boyfriend that was clingy. He wanted to hang out with me everyday, spend every minute I wasn't at work with him. He didn't want me to spend time with my friends and would constantly be in contact with me. One day I told him I had to study and write a paper, and during this studying and paper writing, I got lunch with a friend. I came back to my dorm to find that this guy had stopped by without notification, went to my neighbor's dorm room, and hung out there for over an hour while waiting for me to get back. It was weird. It was creepy. It was clingy. I broke up with him after he started to cry because I wanted to hang out in a group with my friends and him. He said "You should want to see me not them!!!"
I can never date a clingy guy ever again. Ever. I do not go on a second date if a guy is showing a sign of clinginess. I will dump a guy and cut off all contact if he shows signs of being clingy. These signs are:
1. Constant calls or texts (give us a chance to miss you please).
2. Showing up at times where we've told you we didn't want to be bothered or had other plans.
3. Demanding that we break off plans with people other than you.
4. Indicating that you have no other purpose in life than to be around a girl (spending your whole day waiting like a puppy for a girl to finish something so you can be around her the minute it's done).
5. Getting jealous of male friends, male coworkers, ex boyfriends that aren't in the picture, etc.
6. Demanding to join in on activities that she usually does by herself, such as going to the gym or the gynecologist.
7. If we have to give up things like showering alone because you don't want to be by yourself for 15 minutes, you're pretty freaking clingy.
It sucks, I've probably turned down some really nice guys who just wanted to spend time with me. However, I like my alone time. Sometimes I just feel like I don't need to see you on a daily basis and sometimes I have things to do other than be with you at that moment. It's not about you, but we have weird things to do, such as get skin scraped off of our feet and read girly magazines. Because of one weird clingy guy that just could not get a handle on his dependency issues, I have probably hurt some good guys that didn't deserve it, but I CAN'T do the clingy thing again, I refuse.
There are girls that have dated some creepy freaking dudes. Guys that have slept on their doorstep all night waiting for them to leave the house that way they can't avoid them. Guys that call them in the middle of the night to make sure they know where they are. Guys that get names tattoed on them after three dates. Guys that have more than 3 pictures of the same celebrity put up (kind of like a shrine). Guys that threaten to kill themselves if you ever leave them.
Once a girl finishes dating a creepy guy, she will desperately avoid dating another one. That means that when a guy shows the smallest sign of being creepy, she'll drop him.
Yeah, one sign shouldn't be a deterring factor, but we've personally learned how far a guy can go to make our lives a creepy and clingy hell.
So next time a girl suddenly drops off the face of the earth, refuses to answer your calls or reply to your texts, seems uncomfortable being in the same room alone with you, when you're around her friends they kind of whisper and start to squirm, you have fallen victim of a "spoiled woman" who is on the alert for crazy.
You might not have done anything or you might have, but for the most part, any more contacting you do of this woman will only result in her believing that you're way creepier or clingy than you actually are. You need to let this one go. Don't over analyze it, don't beg her to tell you what you did, just let it go. Better luck next time.
Women are trained from a young age that men (that we are not dating) are evil men looking to hurt us. They are out to stalk and violate us, and that a protective man can be an abusive man. We carry rape whistles, tasers, pepper spray and completely inconvenience ourselves in order to prevent you creepy, horrible men from getting us. This is all pretty much despite the fact that most women are raped and abused by their boyfriends, but that's beside the point.
You men need to realize that it is easy to creep us out and bother us, and it's easy to be incredibly clingy and obsessive. It's not your fault, but this will hopefully help to know where we're coming from sometimes.
I had a boyfriend that was clingy. He wanted to hang out with me everyday, spend every minute I wasn't at work with him. He didn't want me to spend time with my friends and would constantly be in contact with me. One day I told him I had to study and write a paper, and during this studying and paper writing, I got lunch with a friend. I came back to my dorm to find that this guy had stopped by without notification, went to my neighbor's dorm room, and hung out there for over an hour while waiting for me to get back. It was weird. It was creepy. It was clingy. I broke up with him after he started to cry because I wanted to hang out in a group with my friends and him. He said "You should want to see me not them!!!"
I can never date a clingy guy ever again. Ever. I do not go on a second date if a guy is showing a sign of clinginess. I will dump a guy and cut off all contact if he shows signs of being clingy. These signs are:
1. Constant calls or texts (give us a chance to miss you please).
2. Showing up at times where we've told you we didn't want to be bothered or had other plans.
3. Demanding that we break off plans with people other than you.
4. Indicating that you have no other purpose in life than to be around a girl (spending your whole day waiting like a puppy for a girl to finish something so you can be around her the minute it's done).
5. Getting jealous of male friends, male coworkers, ex boyfriends that aren't in the picture, etc.
6. Demanding to join in on activities that she usually does by herself, such as going to the gym or the gynecologist.
7. If we have to give up things like showering alone because you don't want to be by yourself for 15 minutes, you're pretty freaking clingy.
It sucks, I've probably turned down some really nice guys who just wanted to spend time with me. However, I like my alone time. Sometimes I just feel like I don't need to see you on a daily basis and sometimes I have things to do other than be with you at that moment. It's not about you, but we have weird things to do, such as get skin scraped off of our feet and read girly magazines. Because of one weird clingy guy that just could not get a handle on his dependency issues, I have probably hurt some good guys that didn't deserve it, but I CAN'T do the clingy thing again, I refuse.
There are girls that have dated some creepy freaking dudes. Guys that have slept on their doorstep all night waiting for them to leave the house that way they can't avoid them. Guys that call them in the middle of the night to make sure they know where they are. Guys that get names tattoed on them after three dates. Guys that have more than 3 pictures of the same celebrity put up (kind of like a shrine). Guys that threaten to kill themselves if you ever leave them.
Once a girl finishes dating a creepy guy, she will desperately avoid dating another one. That means that when a guy shows the smallest sign of being creepy, she'll drop him.
Yeah, one sign shouldn't be a deterring factor, but we've personally learned how far a guy can go to make our lives a creepy and clingy hell.
So next time a girl suddenly drops off the face of the earth, refuses to answer your calls or reply to your texts, seems uncomfortable being in the same room alone with you, when you're around her friends they kind of whisper and start to squirm, you have fallen victim of a "spoiled woman" who is on the alert for crazy.
You might not have done anything or you might have, but for the most part, any more contacting you do of this woman will only result in her believing that you're way creepier or clingy than you actually are. You need to let this one go. Don't over analyze it, don't beg her to tell you what you did, just let it go. Better luck next time.
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